Andy Borowitz today

Obama Quits While Ahead

Prez Resigns After Hundred Days: ‘All Downhill From Here'

In a move that stunned both political allies and foes alike, President Barack Obama resigned today after serving 100 days in office, telling the White House press corps, "It's all downhill from here."

The reporters seemed stunned by the President's decision in light of the fawning media coverage he received during his first 100 days, but the hyperbolic nature of that reportage, ironically, may have been the prime motivator behind Mr. Obama's shocking move.

"Let's face it, I'm not going to get better coverage than I have to date," he said. "The only guy with a higher approval rating is that dude who landed the plane on the Hudson - or maybe that other dude who escaped from those pirates."

Mr. Obama may have a point, as current polls show that the only Americans with higher approval ratings are members of his immediate family.

According to the latest University of Minnesota/Opinion Research Institute survey, Mr. Obama's 67% approval rating is topped by First Lady Michelle Obama at 84%, with daughters Sasha and Malia and dog Bo tied at 98%.

Even the President's little-known half-brother George Obama, who resides in Nairobi, Kenya, garnered a 73% thumbs-up in the poll.

As the press corps reeled from the news of Mr. Obama's resignation, one White House source suggested that the First Lady may have been behind the decision: "Around Day 95 or so, Michelle was running out of wardrobe changes."

At the Supreme Court, Chief Justice John Roberts said that he stood ready to swear in the nation's new chief executive, whom he called "President Biden R. Joseph."

Mr. Biden is scheduled to deliver his Inaugural address on Friday at noon and wrap it up sometime late Sunday.

lighten up

Two items of vast interest:

First, this atypical post from a blog I read regularly (that's normally about eating pork products in eastern Europe).

Next, a gallery of Peeps constructions, from neighbor/cousin-in-law Laurie - thanks!

Can you believe the non-stop "Be VERY Afraid" coverage of the flu thing? This goes so far beyond the "wash your hands regularly and don't panic" advice that is appropriate at this stage, and the dramatic increase in emergency-room visits, from people who are 'worried', is testimony to the power of Media.

I try to look for the silver lining: if this does turn out to be a world-wide pandemic that causes the deaths of millions, I'd prefer to think of it as a signal from the Earth that our species is getting a little too disruptive.

I had to laugh

Received this in an email from Dara - many thanks!
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Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee ( n.): The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted ( adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate ( v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade ( v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly ( adj.): Impotent.

6. Negligent ( adj.): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph ( v.): To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle ( n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence ( n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash ( n.): A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle ( n.): A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude ( n.): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon ( n.): A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster ( n.): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism ( n.): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent ( n.): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

un milagro!

Remember back on March 12th, when I placed 20 asparagus crowns into a newly-dug bed in our back yard? I've been fretting and watering all this time, and this morning, lo and behold, three of the crowns are sprouting. The magic worked!

Here's the largest - about 3 inches:



In other gardening news, the bok choys are doing well, as are the onions. Out of the first planting of (old) pea seeds, only 7 sprouted. I re-planted with newer seeds the other day.

I think I'll be harvesting the first rhubarb in a couple of days.

None of the lettuces, chard, cilantro, chives, or catnip came up, which is disappointing. I must have done something wrong.

more tea-party reflections

It's too easy to laugh it off, for two reasons.

1) There is a kernel of truth to the protests: us Common Folk are uneasy to see the billions of dollars that have been funneled to banks and investment agencies who, thru their manipulations of laws, regulations, and suckers, created the mess. Will anyone from that crowd ever go to jail?

2) History has shown that, whenever the Populace is whipped into (currently, largely-unfocused) rage, things have a tendency to get out of control. The French Revolution, the Spanish Inquisition, Rwanda, and Slobodan Milosovic come to mind. In this case, we have people who appear to get their marching orders from Richard Mellon Scaife, Dick Armey and FOX, and many of them appear to be hateful and armed.

It's more and more like Spain, 1936. Just sayin'.

UPDATE: Just for grins, I looked up where in the world most of the tea comes from. Turns out that India and China are, by far, the top two. Isn't it ironic that the participants in yesterday's activities were encouraged to purchase a product from two of our top global business competitors?

What about 'Buy American'? If the organizers really wanted to give a boost to the US economy, instead of tea, why didn't they encourage everyone to buy something manufactured right here in the good ol' USA?

Oh, right, I forgot.

tea-party fun

A number of blogs are covering these 'spontaneous' events, and the participants are, true to form, generally hilarious.

I especially liked this photo:


'Cut Taxes, Not Defense' - I get it, because the money that funds the DoD (and all the related Defense industries) must certainly come from somewhere besides taxes, right?

Morans, indeed.

Is it Spring yet?

April 13th and it's either sleeting or hailing at the moment.

Didn't last long, but it was a surprise.

Currently reading: 'When you are engulfed by Flames', by David Sidaris. Hilarious.

it's worse than you thought...

Part I, from Bill Moyers' program, on the true state of banks and the deliberate failure of regulation.

Part II, from the LA times on climate change in Australia.

Part III, it's no longer "don't drink the water" in Mexico City - it's "no water for you today".

Not only that, but, in a few hours, Jesus will die on the cross again.

coleman/franken situation - I am confused

So, it appears that just about all authorities in Minnesota have concluded that Franken won, but the GOP is still promising further appeals. There can be no other explanation, other than their determination to keep Al out of the Senate as long as possible, to prevent the Dems from approaching the 'magic' 60 votes.

I am bewildered by the must-have-60-votes to get anything done in the Senate. Whatever happened to simple-majority? It appears that the magic 60 is simply a rule that everyone agreed to, at some point.

The Senate makes its own rules. Is there anything to prevent Harry Reid from proposing a rule change that, since there are only 99 seated senators, the new fillibuster-proof count is 59, not 60?

vegetable update

In the pea-lettuce-chard patch, the first peas are coming up! I had just about given up hope, but it's really happening. So far, no lettuce, spinach or chard is visible.

Also planted chives, cilantro and cat-nip last week, in the bed right outside the back-door.

Yesterday, at Fred Meyer, I couldn't resist buying a 6-pack of bok choy for $3, so now there are 14 little boks, in the ground today:We also bought onion sets (walla-wallas) yesterday. Will plant them this afternoon. Last year, we did onions and I was so stingy with water that, although they grew, many had hollow bulbs. The ones that we got, though, were good, so I'll try to be better this time around.

So far, not much happening with the asparagus crowns. Hope they're still alive.

High of 73 expected today; 77 tomorrow.

Here's a cell-phone photo of Ben and Dylan, taken in Ashland last Thursday night. When we saw Dylan Saturday, prior to heading back to Portland, he was totally clean-shaven, so this is a historical moment:

Don't be fooled by the empty tables in the background. The cafe was jammed and we had a long wait before being seated. The beer was very good, and 3/4 of us were happy with our meals.

hmmm, what have we here?

here

Meanwhile, we are back in Portland after three fun days in Ashland. Went to a play and did a short Rogue River raft trip yesterday afternoon.

Even managed to see Dylan now and then, although he somehow didn't seem excited about spending time with family, versus his many friends.

Test post from my phone

In turkey last year, I tried to use a program that promised to creat blog posts from my handheld. Never could get it to work.

Now, google has a simpler way to do this. Let's see if it works...

anybody looking for a WiFi handheld?

I just posted this on craigslist.

It's been a great little device, but I just don't need it anymore, since I got my handy 8525.

Lowe's has everything you need

First of all, it's always fun to shop at Lowe's because, since all signs are in both English and Spanish, every visit creates opportunities to enhance your Spanish vocabulary.

While standing for a seeming eternity at the Customer Service desk at my local Lowe's this afternoon, I happened to notice something curious. They have a multi-page chart with, in dozens of languages, the phrase 'point to your language' and 'an interpreter will be provided for you.'

This is a very nice service they are providing, for customers from any nation on Earth. In this list, there were an astonishing variety of world languages, including (I checked) seven dialects of Chinese.

At the end of the 'European' section, after Swedish and Ukranian, I was somewhat astonished to see -- wait for it -- 'Yiddish'. Had to take a photo with my phone:


Think about it - this implies not only that a Yiddish speaker would be shopping at Lowe's for his PVC pipe, electrical fixtures, or whatever (implying a 'handy-around-the-house' Yiddish speaker), but that such a person would speak NO OTHER language, hence requiring the fairly-specialized services of a Yiddish-English translator (who, I assume, normally deals in fiction, rather than laminate).

I didn't check to see if Latin was listed, but, if they thought to include Yiddish, I wouldn't be surprised. If you get back there before I do, let me know.

and now for something completely different

watch

yeager

So, Scott Yeager is asking the Supreme Court to not permit the government from retrying him on Enron fraud, since the first trial was deadlocked on multiple counts (fraud, money laundering, insider trading, etc. etc. etc).

I respect Justice Breyer and, in the interest of protecting civil liberties, I think his position is valid. The problem with protecting civil liberties, is that it protects both the innocent and the snakes.

Yeager cashed in $54 million of Enron stock and options before bailing. He was at the top of the organization, and, if this wasn't insider trading and fraud, he was a manager completely out-of-touch.

Maybe I'm naive, but I thought the philosophy of work is that you get rewarded for bringing your organization success. Yeager was fabulously enriched and his justification for keeping the loot is that he had no idea that things were going to utterly crash and burn.

What am I missing? Good thing this attitude is nowhere to be found nowadays - we have sure learned our lessons!

Here's the classic 'Enron Communications' photo (i.e. the predecessor of Enron Broadband Services) in the very early days, when this group was most of the entire company, and we were all going to be millionaires. Some of the people in this photo actually did.

That's Yeager in the middle of the Big Three (and me, two heads away, in the back row, with the gargoyle on my shoulder).

want to make your blood boil?

read it and weep.

I'm currently reading a history of Spain, covering the period about 1450-1750. Right now, I am in the 1560's, a time of political and financial unrest, as Philip II dealt with the absurd Empire he inherited from his papa, the remarkable Charles V.

It's a story of an economy ruined, banks failing, shifting political alliances, finger-pointing, and public frustration, totally different from our time.

Yeah.

work shortage

Talked to another former client yesterday afternoon, an ecology center in Sonoma, CA. They are laying off folks and cutting hours, so it's the end of that road, too.

That makes two clients pretty much gone, and my main contact at my main client is so swamped with work that, although there is stuff to be done, I have not received the specs to get started.

Thanks to the amazing folks at Friends of Trees, though, I still get a couple of hours of little changes every week. It's barely enough to keep me sitting here at my computer, surfing around political sites, Spain tourism sites, and craigslist.

Currently reading Imperial Spain 1469-1716. I've just finished the age of Ferdinand and Isabella and am moving into the world of Charles V.

Most amazing factoid to date: F&A, as you know, mandated the expulsion of Jews and Muslims in 1492 (which deprived Spain of some of its most creative and clever folks, including my Toledo ancestors, but that's another story).

However, did you know (ready?) that Ferdinand's mother was Jewish? I always knew that Isabella and her Castile buddies called the shots in that uneasy partnership (Aragon always got a raw deal), but that's pretty creepy, eh?

Don't forget to listen to This American Life this Sunday morning, so you don't have to hear me doing my very first hosting gig on the Portland Yiddish Hour on KBOO. If you don't live in Oregon, you definitely wouldn't want to stream it live at http://kboo.fm/listen at 10 am PDT.

Cheers!

powers of 10

Yes, the AIG executive bonuses are a prime example of hubris and insiders gaming the system - we knew that already - and recovering that money would be nice (especially from those who are no longer with the company, which shoots down the 'retention incentive' argument).

However, let us keep in mind that we are talking about a couple hundred million dollars. Although that sum might make a difference in YOUR life, and the lives of 50 of your friends, don't forget that:

We have poured hundreds of BILLIONS of dollars into AIG, and 1 Billion = 1,000 Million. Think about it and you'll realize that the sums over which the punditry is expending all its moral outrage this week is 1/10th of 1 percent of the actual money (OUR money) being forked over.

Remember, any time The Media repeatedly says 'Hey, Look at THIS!", it's a sure sign that it's a diversion.

Pranav Mistry

remember that name. Why?

Go here.